blink. take a step back. breathe. understand that you’re at what may be the pinnacle of your youth.
sitting here in the dark looking at pictures and flipping through old journal entries and resenting the fact that in three weeks this will all come to an end. In three hours I’ll be waking up after a short nap to take a midterm. In a few days I’ll be celebrating the end of my college career with dear brothers and sisters. In a few weeks I’ll be suiting up and walking across the stage to receive a slip of paper (with my name on it) indicating I’ve finished this bureaucratic cycle that is college. In a couple months I’ll be on a plane to east asia for a mission trip. In a year I’ll be ______.
And this is where my story ends — or begins?
As I sat in reflection not too long ago, I was searching for a word to describe the way I felt about my future. Anxious, worried, apprehensive but then I realized how I really felt — I am scared. Shitless. I could have easily shut out these feelings and gone back to sleep; but these days I have this overwhelming sense of doom that engulfs me to the point I can’t bring myself to do anything. Depressed? No, not in the least bit, yet I can’t quite grasp exactly what this physical feeling of despair is doing to my soul. The time I spend not stressing over my future is spent making half-assed promises to my future self. “You’ll be better, you’ll exercise more, you’ll stop being a jerk to your friends, you’ll get your shit together… just not yet, enjoy being a senior!” I call bull. There is an internal struggle within me that knows better but just doesn’t do better.
There’s a void within me that I seem to fill with stupid musings of perfect relationships and a dream world where everything is perfect and nothing is shitty. I guess what I’d like is to be at the end of this journey and look back at all of these accomplishments I want but not put in the work, like taking car ride up to the peak of a mountain instead of hiking and struggling the way up. When I realize all of the selfish and childish things that have been occupying my mind (disguising the real issue at heart) I am sorrowfully ashamed.
To the one that has been occupying my mind far too much - I’m sorry for having embarrassed you. I’ll move on with my life in the same way you recklessly carry on with yours.
To the one that I trusted - our friendship has been marred by your selfishness. I don’t think I could ever trust you again.
To the One I love - forgive me.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
I know that someday, far down the road ill miss all of this, but does that mean i should pretend everything doesn’t suck right now? cause it really sucks. big ones.
one term paper
zero effs. I don’t give an eff.
senioritis….. oh lawd
i’ve gotta get out of here
i’m stuck inside this rut i fell into by mistake
yup i just quoted relient K b/c that’s how i feel right now mutha sucka
Now that I’ve come to the sudden realization that my college career is coming to an end, I’ve been doing everything and anything to maintain my sanity… and I do this by acting as childish as I can… so as of late if I’ve been very annoying and/or emotional, you know why: I don’t want to grow up.
words i hate:
i need to get out of here
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
for even, barren land with labor and toil
will stay the same, will stay the same
but if for rain, if for rain to fall
irresistibly still, to cover soils of eternity
and barren land will overflow
with life and fruits and fields that grow
from dawn to dusk, awaken us
tomorrows freedom is today’s surrender
from dawn to dusk, awaken us
(Source: glittercollective, via pleasebequietiminteresting)