It’s been a while since I’ve written in this blog. For reasons unknown to me, life has picked up its pace from 10mph to 10,000mph. I can’t seem to find the time to think, let alone write.
This past weekend I made an intentional effort to stay at home and spend some time alone. I don’t get to do that much these days.
There’s a lot on my mind really. Why am I the way that I am? Why is everything so different than it was 12 months ago? Why are my thoughts revolving around money, career and work when before it was all about church, girls, and friends? Why are 95% of my thoughts negative and 5% positive/neutral?
I wish I had an answer and some divine understanding of life to write about these things but I don’t. Which is a large reason for my self-dissonance and lack of realization.
One habit I’m glad to have resolved is my constant comparison with my peers. perhaps this is because my life reflects that of a 28year old and many of my friends aren’t in the same place that i am. It’s pretty tough to relate with people these days on a deeper level. My lack of substance-filled relationships is a huge indicating factor between what life is and what it used to be.
These past few months have been a little crazy — disappointments/achievements, old faces and many new faces, new opportunities and deliberate decisions to end others.
I suppose the biggest question that I am left with every night when I close my eyes is: where am I headed?
As an American, educated, 20-something year old, I like to measure my life by progress. Highschool, check; college, check; job, check and so forth. Yet whenever I come to the point of existential self realization (after a few glasses of whiskey) I am always left with the understanding that it is the process that shapes us. The constant ebb and flow between joy and grief , excitement and disappointment; there is no end.
In a recent conversation with a friend, I am reminded through her life and transition this past year that life is a continuous struggle. I chewed on her words for a little while and remembered this quote by Lewis: “There is no other day. All days are present now. This moment contains all moments”. And i digress, writing sure has its way of calming the mind.
Years ago, my brother was in a coma for 2 months after a horrible car accident. One night while my mom was in the room watching over him, she noticed his hand moved a little. When she got close, he woke up in shock, and desperatly asked my mom "mom, where are the kids?! They helped so much where are they?! I couldn't speak to then and say thank you! Where are they?!" I was the only kid that stepped into his room the whole 2 months. After calming down, he told my mom that he saw himself from an aerial point of view laying on the hospital bed, in a tremendous white room. Beside him were two kids, one on each side of the bed. On the right was a little boy, that would always tell him "remain calm my boy... everything is going to be okay I promise. I've never left your side after all these years. You've grown into a fine young responsible man. I love you." On the left was this little girl, that would tell him stories about my brothers best childhood moment s to keep him entertained. He said he felt like the boy was our grandpa from my mother's side, which is a man I personally didn't have the honor to meet due to being a baby. My grandpa has the most profound love for us grandchildren and visited everyday to see us. He lived across town and had no car or bike. He also said the girl was probably his best friend, who was in the backseat during the accident and died due to not wearing a seatbelt. I believe my brother was taken to a part of heaven, but it wasn't his time so my grandpa and his best friend watched over him as he recovered enough to wake back up and join us. Everyone has their time to leave the earth, I'm glad it wasn't my brothers time and he's still with us.
“Now all you can do is wait. It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. Like the ebb and flow of tides. No one can do anything to change them. When it is time to wait, you must wait.”—Murakami, Haruki. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. (via wordsnquotes)