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It’s been a while since I’ve written in this blog. For reasons unknown to me, life has picked up its pace from 10mph to 10,000mph. I can’t seem to find the time to think, let alone write.
This past weekend I made an intentional effort to stay at home and spend some time alone. I don’t get to do that much these days.
There’s a lot on my mind really. Why am I the way that I am? Why is everything so different than it was 12 months ago? Why are my thoughts revolving around money, career and work when before it was all about church, girls, and friends? Why are 95% of my thoughts negative and 5% positive/neutral?
I wish I had an answer and some divine understanding of life to write about these things but I don’t. Which is a large reason for my self-dissonance and lack of realization.
One habit I’m glad to have resolved is my constant comparison with my peers. perhaps this is because my life reflects that of a 28year old and many of my friends aren’t in the same place that i am. It’s pretty tough to relate with people these days on a deeper level. My lack of substance-filled relationships is a huge indicating factor between what life is and what it used to be.
These past few months have been a little crazy — disappointments/achievements, old faces and many new faces, new opportunities and deliberate decisions to end others.
I suppose the biggest question that I am left with every night when I close my eyes is: where am I headed?
As an American, educated, 20-something year old, I like to measure my life by progress. Highschool, check; college, check; job, check and so forth. Yet whenever I come to the point of existential self realization (after a few glasses of whiskey) I am always left with the understanding that it is the process that shapes us. The constant ebb and flow between joy and grief , excitement and disappointment; there is no end.
In a recent conversation with a friend, I am reminded through her life and transition this past year that life is a continuous struggle. I chewed on her words for a little while and remembered this quote by Lewis: “There is no other day. All days are present now. This moment contains all moments”. And i digress, writing sure has its way of calming the mind.
Let’s thrive in the present.
Catching last light at Pfeiffer Beach.
california - january 2013